Why I Can't Even

Actual Conversations From My House This Week

"Can I have the Coke?"

It's too late for you to drink a Coke tonight, but you can save it for later.

"Can I take it to school tomorrow?"

No, you may not.

"FINE!"

"I packed a lunch."

What's in it?

(The lunchbox is opened to reveal two bags of Cheetos.)

No.  That is not lunch.

"But I put some grapes in there!"

Nope.  Still no.

"FINE!"

"Can I have a hot dog bun?"

No.

"But why can't I have one?  Why?  WHY?"

Because the hot dog buns are for hot dogs.  And you have five minutes to brush your teeth, comb your hair, feed the cat, and get your stuff together for school,which is what you're supposed to be doing.

"FINE!"

"Mom, I'm out of socks."

What do you mean, out of socks?

"I'm out.  There aren't even any in the laundry.  I don't have any more."

But...(sigh).  OK.

"There's no bread.  We don't even have any bread, and it's all [brother's name]'s fault!  He eats all the bread!  I HATE [BROTHER'S NAME]!  AND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HE GETS DOWN HERE SO I CAN TELL HIM SO!!"

I'm thinking of staying home with you guys tonight instead of going to my meeting.
"I don't think so.  I think you should consider the future of your job."
That doesn't have anything to do with this.  I was just thinking it might be good for us to spend an evening together at home.
"Well...the thing is, I thought you were going to be at a meeting.  And I already made plans for tonight.  And if you stay home, you'll probably want us to do something.  You know, like spend time talking.  Or eat together."
(#winning)

Go to bed.
"Mom, can I join the debate team?"
I don't know.  Because I have no idea what's involved in joining the debate team.  So you'll need to bring me some more information before I can answer that question.
"Hmm.  I wonder if we have a debate team."
OH, FOR THE--GO TO BED!!

"Oh, Mom, we forgot to tell you, the toilet overflowed today.  Don't worry--we fixed it."

I feel like we haven't had a conversation in three days that wasn't an argument.
"Yes we have.  We had one earlier, in the car."

If you don't lie down and be quiet and go to sleep now, my next plan is to knock you unconscious with a blunt instrument.