The (Non)Pinterest Woman of Proverbs 31

"Strength and dignity are her clothing,

And she smiles at the future.

She opens her mouth in wisdom,

And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

Yesterday, I had the privilege of attending the funeral service of my 98-year-old grandmother.  (98 years, 2 months, and 28 days, to be precise.)  It was everything I expected from the celebration of such a long life, so well and faithfully lived.  But also, there was something unexpected, at least for me.  I heard, for what I believe to be the first time, one of the most famous passages of the Bible, used for its original intent.

This might not seem so noteworthy to you.  But as someone who was born and raised in the church, who holds an actual college degree in "Bible", who has spent the last 35 years hearing the Bible preached and taught and studied and written about in every imaginable context, it was remarkable.

I love the work of blogger and writer Rachel Held Evans, and one of my favorite pieces of hers is entitled 3 Things You Might Not Know About Proverbs 31.  In it, she writes about how Proverbs 31, rather than being intended as a prescription for becoming "God's perfect woman", is meant as a hymn of praise to women, for lives lived with courage, strength and integrity--women of valor--and its intended audience is men.  Rachel tells how, in the Jewish community, it is the men who memorize Proverbs 31, who use it to praise and honor the women in their lives, for the things they have done, not the things they should do.

I have always loved this piece, and I believe it has changed, both for me and for many others, the way we view Proverbs 31.  Because, I confess, I had come to resent and--dare I say it--hate that Proverbs 31 woman.  I have often felt as though she is both the whip used to enforce my compliance to the image others have prescribed for me, and the icon used to shame me for my failure to do so.  I had become accustomed (and I don't believe I'm the only one) to mentally picturing her as some excessively modest, overly maternal, rigidly conservative, super-pious, glorified Pinterest mom.  (Wait--did I leave out homeschooling?)  But Rachel connects the dots between the woman of Proverbs 31 and the only other "woman of valor" mentioned in the Old Testament, Ruth.  I have written in an earlier post about my affection for the story of Ruth and Boaz, so this comparison for me was an eye-opener.  Ruth, Rachel writes, "is identified as a woman of valor, not because she checked off some Proverbs 31 to-do list by getting married, keeping a clean house and producing children, but because she lived her life with incredible bravery, wisdom, and strength."  She talks about how she and her friends cheer each other for their own personal and varied daily acts of courage with the salutation "eshet chayil!", the Hebrew for "woman of valor", because "it is not our roles that define us, but the integrity and bravery we bring to those roles".

Sitting in the service yesterday, hearing the words of Proverbs 31 read in exactly this way, something about these familiar words from Rachel finally clicked into place, more deeply than ever before, and I was able to see, not only that woman of Proverbs, but my own grandmother, in a fresh way.

Many people, in this last week since my grandmother's passing, have told me how they loved my stories of her.  This weekend was full of stories, new and old, some shared with others and some just privately recalled.  Many of them were funny and full of the joy she always exuded in even the smallest ways.  Many were stories of how, as a teacher by nature and not only by profession, she shaped the lives of others.  And some were simply the familiar stories of her life, with its remarkable landmarks and accomplishments.  I have never thought of Grandma as a Proverbs 31 woman, likely because my own memories of her are so different than the image of that woman that has always been portrayed to me.  The stories told about her by others were not of a perfect wife, a flawless mother, a domestic diva--nor are these my own recollections.  

I remember instead, baking a cake with Grandma in the kitchen while she told me a story, one she no doubt invented, about a king with a young son who came of marriageable age, and all the ladies of the kingdom were brought to the castle and told to bake cakes to see who would become the young prince's bride.  The poor peasant girl, unlike the fine ladies, was not afraid to get her hands dirty by wiping out every drop of egg from the eggshells, and was willing to work hard by beating her cake batter until it was light and fluffy, and was careful not to waste a thing by scraping every bit of batter from the bowl, and so, predictably, her cake was the best, and she married the prince--a story which summed up the virtues of Grandma's world.  I remember, a bit older, swinging with Grandma on her porch swing on a sweet, late-summer afternoon, watching the birds swoop and dive through the trees in her yard, while she told me that all of our words are like that, like little birds that fly from our lips, and once we have released them, no matter how we might want to, we can never call them back--a much harder lesson that I still struggle to master every single day.  I remember her telling, and often, how as a new bride, she produced a batch of biscuits so bad that, in her shame, she took them outside and buried them, and when the dog dug them up two weeks later, even he would not eat any.  I remember the way she left all the other guests at my bridal shower in a smoking trail of dust on every. single. game. with her quick wit and amazing recall.  I remember her advice for a long and happy marriage, which she told me when I called to congratulate her on her 71st wedding anniversary: "You just have to love 'em and respect 'em, even when you just want to kick 'em."  I remember, on what turned out to be our last visit, as we hugged goodbye, after we each said "I love you", that her final words to me in this life were, "You're doing a good job".  Pinterest mom?  No.  But a woman of valor, this amazing person who survived the loss of her mother at age 11, who became the woman of the house and surrogate parent to seven younger siblings by age 12, who attended college at age 60, who gave her life to teaching for 36 years and in faithful marriage to my grandfather for 73?  Absolutely.  Now that's a Proverbs 31 woman.

I think the favorite new story I heard about Grandma this weekend was told by the former student of hers who spoke at her funeral service.  He and Grandma had a running joke that dated back to the year she filled a one-month emergency vacancy for their district's eighth-grade classroom position.  He was in her class for that one month, and all the talk was speculation about whether man would land on the moon.  Grandma, in a sentiment not uncommon at the time, told him that she believed God would never allow man to get to the moon.  After the outcome of this debate, they have often teased each other about that conversation over the years, mentioning the moon and their prospective trips there.  He told how Grandma would sometimes draw a picture of the moon inside his Christmas card.  Several weeks ago, he visited with her for the last time, and, as he was leaving, he said, "Well, Esther, you still haven't gone to the moon."  She replied, "Oh, I'm not going to stop at the moon, Kenny.  I'm going much farther."  Eshet chayil, Grandma.  :)