5 Fairies That Should Exist

1.  Closet-Changing Fairy
Twice a year, this excruciating task does not get done by me until the kids are wearing long-sleeved shirts rolled up so high they are tighter than tourniquets, or last year's jeans that look like capris.  Sorting through everything, figuring out what really fits or doesn't, all the whining if anyone is asked to try on one. single. thing.  The drama rivaling that of being sent to a concentration camp when they are expected to relinquish favorite items that, I SWEAR TO YOU, ARE MUCH TOO SMALL.  It's exhausting just to think about it.  Forget the tooth fairy--at least they stop losing teeth.  They never stop growing, and the seasons never stop changing.  I'll trade the tooth fairy for this fairy in a heartbeat.

2.  Trash Fairy
I hate taking out the trash.  I don't know why.  I understand it's not that hard.  I just don't want to.  I don't like walking outside my house to do work.  I used to bribe the kids with gum to take it out to the trash bin.  (Oh, for the days when they would do anything for gum.)  Now I just bag it up and let it sit there by the door, in the vain hope that they will be abducted by aliens, and their robot replacements will unknowingly take it out in a misguided attempt to emulate the behavior of a normal human child.

3.  Lunch Fairy
"Lunch" is such a happy word.  It only seems fair that the daily experience should match the expectation it sets, but somehow it seldom does.  Packing lunch the night before is like mental torture; packing lunch the morning of is total chaos.  I can barely force myself to do either.  (I don't think I'm the only person with this problem, by the way.  A friend once said to me, "It's like it would kill me to make a sandwich.")  Even if I do, half the time, when it's time to eat the lunch, nothing about it sounds appealing.  You know why?  Because I packed it.  Unfortunately, in my experience, doing nothing and just waiting for delicious food to magically present itself at the appropriate time is rarely successful.  I vote for change.

4.  Yard Work Fairy
I either need this fairy, or I need to fill my entire yard with concrete.  I seriously can't even.  I already said I don't like walking outside my house to do work.  That goes double for yard work.  I know about nature and how it's good for you.  I know about microbes in dirt, and plants sustaining life.  But seriously.  It's hot out there.  It's hooooot.  Plus, also, bugs.

5.  Weekend Work Fairy
All the stuff I need to get done, I always think I will get done on the weekend, "when there's time".  Things need done around the house.  Chores have piled up, closets need cleaned out, there are projects too big for a weeknight and things that require help from both of the kids.  But guess what.  On the weekend, if I have time, I don't want to waste it doing any of that stuff.  I'm tired.  It's the weekend.  I don't care.  What I would like to do on the weekend is sleep in, lie around the house watching TV and eating Triscuits, and nap.  Nap nap nap nap, nap nap nap.  That is all.