You're the Hero of Your Story

Marriage is a fairy tale.

At least according to Facebook. There are so many photos with sunshine, and flowers. Mostly in fields, it seems. And the people are always laughing. And then there are the quotes. Oh, the quotes. "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." "My husband is a promise that I will have a friend forever." "I look at you and see the rest of my life in front of my eyes."

Whew. That's a lot to live up to. 

But here's the thing. I am from what some would consider a fairy tale family. A few weeks ago, my parents celebrated the anniversary of their 50th year of marriage. Both of them come from similarly happy and life-long unions, one set of my grandparents actually having been married 73 years. And here's what I know, having been raised and surrounded by folks who pretty much have a handle on making this marriage thing work. It is much more gritty, difficult, and complex than all that stuff makes it sound. I've written about this before, but relationships that work involve such a complicated interplay of so many factors, and the quotes, tweets, snaps, and sound bytes that are the passing tokens of superficial acquaintance cannot possibly communicate them. Marriage is a story, but it's not a fairy tale.

For some, that story is truly a romance, and a happy one. Even below the surface of the appearance created by carefully curated social media, there is a strong, healthy, happy, and rewarding relationship that will go the distance. For some marriages, however, this is not the case.

I'm not suggesting that any relationship is perfect, or perfectly easy. But there is a different reality for relationships that are fundamentally working, and those that are not. Just like a healthy person, a healthy marriage can have a lot of room for improvement--but if you are ill, you know it, and if this is the reality of your marriage, you know this post is for you.

A struggling marriage is not always destined for divorce--these partners may have commemorated many years together, and may continue for many more--but it is also not necessarily guaranteed healing, and this makes things complicated. An anniversary is a reason for celebration, but it cannot always be met with pure joy and gratitude. Relationships that do not offer the rewards of a healthy partnership, or are in some way fundamentally dysfunctional, can cause every anniversary to bring mixed emotions. Not only is there the sadness of the inescapable reminder that this occasion is not what it should be, or what you wished or hope for, but others' congratulations can seem out of step and inappropriate--even hypocritical. Anniversaries are not the only time this happens, of course. Weddings, other people's anniversaries, marriage sermons at church, things published by friends on Facebook, even just regular, everyday conversations, can inspire a complex cocktail of guilt, regret, longing, resentment, shame, and even anger.

I understand. I have friends. I go out in public. I read Facebook. I see all the advice, the testimonies, the memes. I've been told, just like you have, to be married to my best friend, and vow to laugh together every day, and have a marriage that makes my kids want one just like it. All those things exist for a reason, and they will likely always exist, and they are meaningful to someone, but it doesn't have to be you. Here is the thing I want you to know.

You don't have to have a perfect marriage, or even a good marriage, to be doing a good job at marriage.

Marriage takes two. Two imperfect, broken, vulnerable people. You are the only one of those people you can control. If you have remained a willing partner, if you have done all in your power to make yourself able to love, if your faith, though battered, has remained unbroken by loss, pain, and disappointment, then you are doing the best that anyone has ever done at marriage, in the face of daunting odds.

You will go on hearing the happy romances, and even sometimes the fairy tales. But know that you are telling a different story, and you can honor your own narrative. Your story is no less real and right. Your story is no less beautiful and powerful. You are telling a story of love, faith, endurance, and sacrifice. You are the hero of your story.