Why I Can't Even

Actual Conversations From My House This Week

"Can I have the Coke?"

It's too late for you to drink a Coke tonight, but you can save it for later.

"Can I take it to school tomorrow?"

No, you may not.

"FINE!"

"I packed a lunch."

What's in it?

(The lunchbox is opened to reveal two bags of Cheetos.)

No.  That is not lunch.

"But I put some grapes in there!"

Nope.  Still no.

"FINE!"

"Can I have a hot dog bun?"

No.

"But why can't I have one?  Why?  WHY?"

Because the hot dog buns are for hot dogs.  And you have five minutes to brush your teeth, comb your hair, feed the cat, and get your stuff together for school,which is what you're supposed to be doing.

"FINE!"

"Mom, I'm out of socks."

What do you mean, out of socks?

"I'm out.  There aren't even any in the laundry.  I don't have any more."

But...(sigh).  OK.

"There's no bread.  We don't even have any bread, and it's all [brother's name]'s fault!  He eats all the bread!  I HATE [BROTHER'S NAME]!  AND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HE GETS DOWN HERE SO I CAN TELL HIM SO!!"

I'm thinking of staying home with you guys tonight instead of going to my meeting.
"I don't think so.  I think you should consider the future of your job."
That doesn't have anything to do with this.  I was just thinking it might be good for us to spend an evening together at home.
"Well...the thing is, I thought you were going to be at a meeting.  And I already made plans for tonight.  And if you stay home, you'll probably want us to do something.  You know, like spend time talking.  Or eat together."
(#winning)

Go to bed.
"Mom, can I join the debate team?"
I don't know.  Because I have no idea what's involved in joining the debate team.  So you'll need to bring me some more information before I can answer that question.
"Hmm.  I wonder if we have a debate team."
OH, FOR THE--GO TO BED!!

"Oh, Mom, we forgot to tell you, the toilet overflowed today.  Don't worry--we fixed it."

I feel like we haven't had a conversation in three days that wasn't an argument.
"Yes we have.  We had one earlier, in the car."

If you don't lie down and be quiet and go to sleep now, my next plan is to knock you unconscious with a blunt instrument.

Dear Woman at the Gym: A Love Letter

Dear Woman at the Gym,

Every day I see you, and I wonder why you are here.  I don't know you--we never talk, except maybe to say hello in passing, or to give a little nod of acknowledgement as we move briefly through our shared space.  Then we move on, occupied with our own thoughts, spinning through our own orbit.  So it might seem strange that I notice you, or even more strange that I care, but I do.  I have no idea what brings you here.  But every day, I wonder, and every day I also hope.

I see you lifting weights, or on the treadmill, or in the pool, and I hope it's not because you think you have to.  I hope it's not one more thing on your endless to-do list.  I hope you came because this is your time.  I hope it's something wonderful and healing and indulgent that you are doing for yourself, right out in the midst of all the busyness and the chaos and the pull and tug of obligation, and the million and a half things you do every day that are not for you but for others.  I hope you know you have a right to it, that you have a right to be good to yourself, and this is what that looks like for you.

I see the fierce energy and endless effort you put forth, and I hope you aren't working so hard for anyone else--not because you think you need to, if you are to earn the approval or affection of someone close to you, or because you are afraid of losing it.  I hope the person you are working for is you.  I hope you are filled with the absolute certainty that here, as well as everywhere in your life, you are surrounded by people who both care for you as you are, and are invested in your well-being, and that's what lights the fire I see inside you.

I see you in your cute yoga pants and your headband, and your workout tank that says, "Too hot to warm up", and I hope you believe it.  I hope your perseverance here isn't driven by a heart or mind that's filled with shame or criticism for yourself.  I hope when you look around, what you don't see is people thinner than you, happier than you, better than you, people that make you think you don't measure up, people that you doubt you'll ever become.  I hope you see that you are already there.  I hope you don't come because you hope it will make you feel like you are amazing, but because you are already amazing and you know it.

I hope that being here is the best part of your day.

But if it's not.  If everything I hope for you is not true.  Tomorrow, please do me a favor.  Please try to take a step back, and look around at all the rest of us.  Try to take a look through my eyes, the way I see you every day.  Every day I see you, and you are so beautiful and so strong and you fill me with admiration, and every day I know that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can hurt you or stop you or stand in your way, and that it is very important for you to be as good to yourself as the good that other people want for you.

We don't know each other, but you can take my word for it, because who would know better than me, the person who sees you every day?

Every day, I see you.  I hope you do too.

Relationship Status: It's Complicated

I mean yours.  Not mine.  (Sorry, to the approximately 6 friends of mine who clicked here hoping to hear some kind of announcement.)

Yes, you.  You people who are actually IN a relationship.

During this summer, the peak season for weddings, anniversaries, and relationship milestones of all kinds, I've heard it talked about a lot.  Weddings are the obvious leader, of course, because weddings are the time when someone is supposed to stand up and tell us the secret.  No pressure, naturally, but this moment where the bride and groom stand together before all their assembled friends and family is when the one profound piece of wisdom is to be delivered that they will carry through their wedded life--the one that lets them succeed no matter how many others have failed.  Right?  And so often, here is what that wisdom consists of:  Don't be a quitter.

Couple after couple have been told (and so have you, and so have I) that this is the answer to marital happiness.  You just don't quit.  Love, after all, is not a feeling.  It is a commitment.  So it must only be vulnerable to ending if you stop being committed to it.  Many people think that when you don't have the warm fuzzy feelings any more, you are no longer in love and can move on, can give up on each other.  But those of us who know, those of us who are successful, we understand that no matter how hard, personally unsatisfying, or emotionally barren the marital landscape might be, the thing that really matters is that you just. don't. quit.  Then you will stay in love, and nothing can stop you.  You have succeeded.  Congratulations.  It's as simple as that.

One troubling thing about this is that it seems to imply that happiness and success in a relationship depends entirely on you.  But don't worry--summer is also peak anniversary season, and anniversaries make it clear that you're not all on your own.  In fact, it seems to be just the opposite.  Although the secret to a successful marriage was supposed to be not quitting, if you stay together any number of years, God seems to be entirely responsible for the positive outcome.  Apparently, as long as you are faithful to God, he will take care of the details.  Person after person tells the world, "Married 27 years today--God is so good!"

It's been made to sound so simple, the answers so easy.  But I know lots of real people in real relationships.  I know their spouses and their struggles and their life-long compromises.  I know their real lives, and I know mine, and the reality seems at odds with so much of what is said.   And I, for one, would appreciate hearing a different approach.  Particularly as a survivor of divorce, I would find it both refreshing and encouraging if we began to speak about relationships in a thoughtful, intentional, and honest way--a way that acknowledges their complexity and fragility in the circumstances of our real world, the nuanced and delicate nature which exists even when no one just quits, even when a good and loving God is involved.

Yes, God is good, and (as I know there is someone just itching to point out) is the source of every good and perfect gift.  I understand if you believe your spouse is one of those gifts.  But so was mine.  And God's goodness is not the factor that determines whether marriages will endure--if it were, would any marriages end?  If a lasting marriage is a sign of God's goodness, what message was he sending me with a divorce?  The answer, in my experience, is rarely, if ever, that God is good, but one or both partners "just quit".

The truth is, love both succeeds, and fails, for many reasons.  It is a complicated interplay of factors, and it is often difficult to tell exactly where some stop and others begin.  Each person in every relationship must be both willing and able to be a partner to the other.  Being married to someone who fits this description is a reason to give thanks to God; becoming someone who fits this description is another, as it will certainly require his help to do so; and a commitment to continue, even in the face of adversity, will be necessary to go the distance together.

Meanwhile, I'd simply like to ask for an acknowledgement that, if a relationship works, the keys to its longevity are more complicated than they've been made to sound.  And if not, its passing is more complicated than that also.

5 Fairies That Should Exist

1.  Closet-Changing Fairy
Twice a year, this excruciating task does not get done by me until the kids are wearing long-sleeved shirts rolled up so high they are tighter than tourniquets, or last year's jeans that look like capris.  Sorting through everything, figuring out what really fits or doesn't, all the whining if anyone is asked to try on one. single. thing.  The drama rivaling that of being sent to a concentration camp when they are expected to relinquish favorite items that, I SWEAR TO YOU, ARE MUCH TOO SMALL.  It's exhausting just to think about it.  Forget the tooth fairy--at least they stop losing teeth.  They never stop growing, and the seasons never stop changing.  I'll trade the tooth fairy for this fairy in a heartbeat.

2.  Trash Fairy
I hate taking out the trash.  I don't know why.  I understand it's not that hard.  I just don't want to.  I don't like walking outside my house to do work.  I used to bribe the kids with gum to take it out to the trash bin.  (Oh, for the days when they would do anything for gum.)  Now I just bag it up and let it sit there by the door, in the vain hope that they will be abducted by aliens, and their robot replacements will unknowingly take it out in a misguided attempt to emulate the behavior of a normal human child.

3.  Lunch Fairy
"Lunch" is such a happy word.  It only seems fair that the daily experience should match the expectation it sets, but somehow it seldom does.  Packing lunch the night before is like mental torture; packing lunch the morning of is total chaos.  I can barely force myself to do either.  (I don't think I'm the only person with this problem, by the way.  A friend once said to me, "It's like it would kill me to make a sandwich.")  Even if I do, half the time, when it's time to eat the lunch, nothing about it sounds appealing.  You know why?  Because I packed it.  Unfortunately, in my experience, doing nothing and just waiting for delicious food to magically present itself at the appropriate time is rarely successful.  I vote for change.

4.  Yard Work Fairy
I either need this fairy, or I need to fill my entire yard with concrete.  I seriously can't even.  I already said I don't like walking outside my house to do work.  That goes double for yard work.  I know about nature and how it's good for you.  I know about microbes in dirt, and plants sustaining life.  But seriously.  It's hot out there.  It's hooooot.  Plus, also, bugs.

5.  Weekend Work Fairy
All the stuff I need to get done, I always think I will get done on the weekend, "when there's time".  Things need done around the house.  Chores have piled up, closets need cleaned out, there are projects too big for a weeknight and things that require help from both of the kids.  But guess what.  On the weekend, if I have time, I don't want to waste it doing any of that stuff.  I'm tired.  It's the weekend.  I don't care.  What I would like to do on the weekend is sleep in, lie around the house watching TV and eating Triscuits, and nap.  Nap nap nap nap, nap nap nap.  That is all.