Secrets Nicole Knows

Over the last few days, I've been watching the fascinating documentary on the Simpson-Goldman murder case called "OJ: Made In America". One of the things that makes a good documentary, and this one is no exception, is that it's a deeper exploration of many themes, factors, and issues that have bearing on the particular person or event that's featured as the subject. Documentaries open things up to us in ways we haven't experienced or thought about, never realized, couldn't have understood, without hearing the voices of those who were there, who lived it, who know. Five episodes of this one, each 90 minutes long, are not only about the murders, or even about OJ Simpson himself, but about the elements of inequality and injustice in America, police brutality, race relations, and the role of media in culture, all of which are much larger issues that continue to be relevant to life and society in our contemporary setting.

While a lot of time is spent exploring the complex and nuanced relationships between black and white Americans, police and the public, celebrities and the media, and others, though, not much attention is given to the interplay between abuser and battered spouse. Maybe it's because the situation seems straightforward enough to speak for itself. The abuse is documented thoroughly. Maybe no one thought there was much more to say. He beat her. He terrorized her. He killed her. (Maybe.) That's all. But I've been drawn to Nicole. Nicole is the silent witness, present every minute. She hasn't spoken--there are interviews with everyone else who had anything to do with the case, the people, or the time period, there are clips from TV news, tapes of legal testimony. But Nicole's voice is heard only on the recordings of 911 calls. Nevertheless, she has called out so strong, so clear to me. All the way through, if you can hear, she is telling the story, revealing the secrets, explaining to everyone, to all of us, the things that only those who have been there can understand. In her story, so intertwined with his all the way through her death, here is what she tells us about life in an abusive relationship.

You will exist in a reality that only you inhabit.

OJ was universally loved and revered. It would have been hard to find someone who found him anything other than an all-around great guy--charming, pleasant, personable, kind. Hours and hours of TV footage attest to it. Those close to him--friends, family, co-workers--adored him. In one interview, a family friend who knew about an early incident of abuse spoke about why Nicole was afraid and reluctant to let others know. He said, "She thought her family would take OJ's side."

Life with an abuser creates two alternate realities; the daily lived experience of others is in direct conflict with your own. Everyone else you know will live in a world where your abuser is charming, fun, kind, likeable--harmless. Imagining him violating the rules of that world will be, for all who live in it, unthinkable. But this will not be your reality. You will live in a world where rules do not apply. The unthinkable happens routinely, but always unexpectedly, unpredictably. The forces that govern your reality will be known only to you, but more importantly, they will be incomprehensible to others; even if you tell, you will not be understood, or possibly even believed. Others might think that your abuser lives in this world with you, but they're mistaken. The two of you are never, ever living the same reality. In his world, the unthinkable makes sense. It is both predictable and justifiable; it can be reconciled with the experience of him that is truth for everyone else. He sees no conflict. He does not experience your pain. In your world, it is only you--you alone will try to understand, navigate, and survive the chaos, confusion, and danger that no one else sees and no one else experiences.

You will be your abuser's primary partner, helper, and support system in your own mistreatment.

Police were called to the Simpson residence for domestic disturbances many times. OJ's first arrest, the infamous New Year's Eve 911 call, was simply an outlier in a continual series of police interventions. In one interview of the series, LAPD Detective Mark Fuhrman is describing a previous domestic disturbance call he responded to at Rockingham, in which OJ was wielding a bat and had smashed all the windows out of Nicole's car, while she cowered in terror, sobbing, in the driveway. After de-escalating the situation until the bat was relinquished, Fuhrman asked Nicole, "Do you want to file a complaint?" Her answer? The same as on all the other calls. No. After that New Year's Eve, when he was actually arrested due to the incontrovertible physical evidence of abuse, OJ was in danger of losing much of his public standing and many of his corporate endorsements. The CEO of Hertz corporation describes how that company came to their decision to stand by Simpson--Nicole called him personally to tell him it was all a misunderstanding, and everything was fine.

No one will be a greater apologist, protector, or PR manager for your abuser than you will. One of the cardinal rules of your universe will be that no harm or inconvenience must come to him, and it will be fully your responsibility to make sure this happens. He will expect it of you; you will expect it of yourself. If you fail, no one else will pay the price. It might seem to others that if you allowed him to experience the negative consequences of his mistreatment of you, that would be in your best interest, would protect you somehow. But you will know the only way to protect yourself--make sure that nothing, nothing bad ever befalls him, especially something that would be directly because of you.

You will never, never--not ever--be completely safe, protected, or free from any hurt your abuser could do you.

Nicole had all the resources of a wealthy woman at her disposal, and she used them. She left the relationship. She moved away. She started seeing someone new. But there was no moving beyond the place where OJ's actions could hurt her. In a 911 call made long after her relationship with OJ was over, as he rages and swears in the background, forcing his way through the back door of her new home, the 911 dispatcher asks her to stay on the phone until help arrives. Nicole's sense of urgency and despair is palpable as she replies, "I don't want to stay on the line. He's going to beat the shit out of me." The dispatcher urges her to stay on the phone, stay safe, but we can hear it in both OJ's voice and hers--he is coming for her, and they both know that no 911 recording will protect her.

You may succeed in moving beyond a relationship with your abuser. You may move forward, begin healing, start a new life. But once your life has been entangled with his, you will never move to a place where he cannot hurt you in some way, if he wishes. Maybe he will continue to attack, assault, or otherwise abuse you, as Nicole and so many others have experienced. Maybe he will simply follow you, watch you, be a constant, unwelcome presence everywhere you go. Maybe he will use the court system to harass you. Maybe he will insist on "being friends", now that your relationship is over, and continually make cheerful overtures that are just as controlling and manipulative as any abusive attack. Maybe you have children together, so he can hurt you in a thousand, million ways both big and little. If he decides to do none of these, to move on and leave you behind, then you may live free of him, at least for a while--he won't hurt you--but you will still always know that he can, any time he changes his mind. Other people may tell you that you are free now, that he no longer has power over you, that he can't hurt you any more. They will mean well for you, and they truly believe this, but Nicole knows better, and so will you. There is no new life where hurt cannot come to you.

You will always be beyond his reach.

One Simpson family friend, in an interview late in the series, explains something about Nicole that he says he believes always frustrated OJ. She was, he says, "unattainable".  Somehow, even though he had her in all the ways that seemed to matter--financially, legally, even physically--Nicole never completely belonged to him in the way he wanted. Nicole belonged to herself. And although she was at his mercy for a time, she took herself back. She took back her power. And even though he literally, physically killed her, he never had her. She lived her own life, she tells her own story. Even in her death, she remained her own. Life or death, she defeated him.

You may never be free from all the ways your abuser can hurt you, but you can still free yourself from harm. You can weather the hurt, whatever it may be, and retain your dignity, your independence, your strength, your power. These are things he can never take from you--you will never belong to him in the way he will try to make you. Hurt may have come to you, and it may come to you again, this is true; but you belong to yourself and yourself alone, and you will always, always be beyond his reach.