Turn It Down

 

I don't know about you, but sometimes, I feel like nobody's listening to me. I talk to my kids--or at least I try--but it seems nothing's getting through.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Am I talking to myself?"

"Have you heard one word I've said?"

"Hellooo! You!"

"Is my voice invisible?"

 

Now that I have teenagers, the most common scenario (and my least favorite) is the one where I try to get their attention but they have headphones on or earbuds in. This one often starts with my talking to them from the other room, so I don't realize they have any reason other than the usual for not answering, when I say something that requires a response.

 

I get no answer, so I say it again, this time louder.

 

Still nothing. The third time I don't want to waste my breath saying the whole thing over, so I just call out their name.

 

No answer. Now I have stopped whatever I was doing, I'm on my way to find them and figure out what the problem is, and I'm on the fourth attempt to get their attention, so it's easy to call their name pretty loud. It's also pretty easy to tell that I'm annoyed.

Getting within view and spotting the offending headphones doesn't dispel any of the annoyance, but it does make me call them even louder the next time. By this time I'm usually standing almost right next to them. Aaand I'm pretty much shouting. Even then I still often have to do it more than once. And finally, about the time I get to THIS LEVEL OF FRUSTRATION AND VOLUME, they turn around, pull off the headphones, and say, in an offended and angry tone, "WHAT!" 

 

Because I'm yelling at them. They don't like yelling.

Actually, I don't like yelling either. I don't like yelling, and I don't like being yelled at. Honestly, I don't like it when someone is angry with me, period. And I especially don't like it when they are angry with me for being The Yelling Mom, when I feel it's hardly my fault that it takes 8 minutes and a brass band to get their attention.

This isn't the only time this happens, of course. There are other times when they think I am Yelling Mom. For example, any day that I straggle home exhausted from work to find chores undone, trash everywhere, dirty dishes galore, and them in front of video games, I am that mom. And every time, they are angry.

Why do I have to yell at them? Why do I have to keep telling them what they're doing wrong? Why am I interrupting them right when they were about to win? Why do I always have to be so mad??

I get it. Nobody likes to have their fun interrupted by an unpleasant reminder of how they have messed up, or how that mess-up has disappointed, hurt, or angered someone else. A reminder delivered by the disappointed, hurt, and angry someone is even more unpleasant. But the conversation we keep having is, can they expect anything else? If they ignore me when I speak or give directions, if they choose not to take responsibility, if they disregard basic rules of conduct for the household, isn't it reasonable to assume that I will not be happy? And when this happens, guess what? You don't get to be angry about it. Mom's displeasure is a logical and expected result of your actions. 

Right now, every day, as I watch TV or read Facebook, I see this same dynamic being played out all around us, on the stage of race relations in this country. And there is something I want to say to those of us in the white community.

I get it. It's not pleasant to hear about the wrongs that have been done to others on our watch, and it's especially unpleasant to contemplate our own responsibility in them, even if our complicity is simply our own obliviousness. It's tempting to avoid doing so by taking issue with the way the message is being delivered. But friends, please realize what's happening--we have had the headphones on.

We have had the headphones on, and it is time now--time to turn down the music of our own comfortable narrative, and listen to what our brothers and sisters of color have been trying, repeatedly, over many long years, to get our attention to tell us. Time to stop being angry about the tone of voice or the choice of words or the forum used to communicate the message, and take the time to understand the hurt, anger, and frustration that is a result of not only others', but our own actions. Time to stop dictating to people of color the ways that are acceptable to us for them to express their responses to our behavior. We just simply haven't been listening, not for a long, long, time. It's time to start.