The Prettiest Us in the World

I have read lately, over and over, this blog post by Michigan writer, mom, and wife Nicole Jankowski.  It is an old post, but a new discovery of mine.  To me, it is so important, and I have some things I'd like to say about it, but first, we will all need to read it.  Go on, take a minute and do that right now.  I'll wait.

Seriously.  Read it.

****************

OK, now that you're back (maybe with tissues), let's talk about it for a bit.

Some of what Nicole has to say, we have heard before.  She addresses again the way we (and by "we", I mean women) see ourselves, and how that is often a reflection of the way society has narrowly defined beauty--by a standard that is unrealistic, unrepresentative, and arguably unattainable.  It probably isn't the first time you have heard someone advocate for a broader societal definition of beauty; this often includes not only a call for an allowance of many different body types, but for a recognition that there is more that is beautiful about women than their bodies.

That is old news.

The thing that is, to me, so arresting about this post, is her own story, of how her husband sees her, and how it is his voice in her ear that tells her what she needs to hear about herself.

This, I think, is a thing that every woman longs for--that one person who truly finds her beautiful.  And let me be clear here, I am not talking about being "a beautiful person", the way people mean you are beautiful apart from your appearance, although that is also a real thing, but it's a different thing.  I think all of us (and women, I apologize for generalizing, and admit to the possibility of exceptions), while understanding beauty as encompassing more than physical appearance, still deeply long to be found physically beautiful and desirable by someone we love, and feel that we are incredibly fortunate if we are.  I have a friend who sometimes says that she is lucky, because her husband "doesn't care" about weight, appearances, or that sort of thing, and every time she says it, I know it is not true.  He cares, I promise you.  He just thinks she is beautiful.  Maybe this feeling of improbable good fortune comes from the fact that, in a world where our appearance is judged so harshly in every arena, the knowledge that men who truly love us see us differently is hard to accept or understand.  We are all full of things we are told are not supposed to be there--stretch marks, scars, jiggling, sagging, wrinkles, hair--and it can seem fortunate just to find someone who doesn't mind, who can "get past it" to love us anyway.  Someone who would actually see the beauty in it all seems wildly miraculous.

But some of you have this miraculous voice in your ear, the one that tells you that you are beautiful, that you are pretty, that you are exactly right.  If you are one of these fortunate women, how wonderful--and please know, I am so happy for you, truly.  However, I know things are still hard for you, and the voices outside are still strong, and I think there is something for you in the rest of what I have to say.  Also, I'd like you to consider that, as difficult as it can still feel for you, even with such a loving touchstone, how much more so must it be for those who are without.  What if there is no voice that sings in your ear each morning?  What if you are no one's prettiest anything in the world?  Or maybe worse, what if the voice in your ear is the same as the voice in your head?  What if the voice next to you tells you that you are not beautiful, not desirable, not enough?  For all of those, all of us, here is what I want to say.

First, I believe that this miracle is out there.  It is out there for all of us.  There is no magic number we have to reach, or person we have to become to earn it.  Skinny, magazine-perfect doesn't equal being someone's one-and-only beautiful one.  (After all, don't all those size-2 models and actresses, whose whole jobs are their appearances, get divorced more often and have less success finding love than the average size-12 housewife?)  This miracle is out there for anyone, and I know it for a fact.  I believe it because I see it.  I see them in the grocery store, women of every shape and size, women I know are heavier, or older, or less well-dressed than me, walking together with men whose arms are around their shoulders, who hold their hands, whose faces beam with love and pride, and who look at them like the most beautiful things to walk the earth.  I believe it because I know it.  I know so many amazing, beautiful women--normal, regular women--with husbands and boyfriends who adore them, who cannot take their eyes off these lovely creatures that they are so fortunate to share their lives with.  I believe it because it happens.  Because I am told.  Because Nicole says so.  Because Nicole is the prettiest wife in the world.  It is out there, and it can be found--it can find you.

But second.  In the meantime.  The meantime may be long.  Truthfully, I don't know how long.  Maybe a very long time.  And in that meantime of uncertain length, I have come to this conclusion.  We will have to be this miracle for each other.  There is no other solution.  Believe me, I understand.  I know it's not the same.  I know the time seems long.  But this is both the least and the best we can do.  So, ladies, with that in mind, may I just ask you, can we please just STOP?  Can we stop?  Can we just have NOT ONE MORE conversation that is about fat?  Or weight?  Or calories, or working out or not working out or gaining weight or not gaining weight or muffin tops or thighs or bellies or jeans sizes or food guilt?  PLEASE?  I know it's a lot to ask, but hear me out.  Maybe you've never thought about it this way, but when you start putting yourself down, or talking about how chubby your legs are, or outlining your plan to lose 30 pounds, and I am 20 pounds heavier than you, do you realize you are saying I'm obese?  When you are talking about how you just can't shake that last 5 pounds no matter how hard you work out, maybe you don't see the look on the face of the sister next to you, but I do.  Think of someone you love, your sister, your daughter, your friend.  Is she fat to you?  Obese, repulsive, ugly?  Or do you think she's beautiful, and if someone said those other things about her, would you find them and beat them down?  And do you understand that when you are saying them about yourself, you are saying them to her?  That you are saying them to all of us?  Really think, for just a second, about the question Nicole posed to us up there.  Who is telling us that our bodies aren't the ideal?  People who don't know us, who aren't invested in us.  People who don't love us.  So starting now, can that please, please stop being us?  Whether or not we have found that one special someone to whom we are the prettiest, we can all still see each other through those same eyes of love.  This is our chance, our time, to add our voices to the song, "Your body is exactly right".  We can do this, dear ones.  We are all built just right.

Lisa's Spring Clean in 30

This household's version of Clean Mama's "Spring Clean in 30 Challenge".  (Clean Mama's originals are listed for purposes of comparison.)

Clean Mama                                                 This Mama
1.  Dust edges/corners at ceiling          1.  Use broom to swipe down
                                                                        huge cobwebs from corners
                                                                        at ceiling.
2.  Dust edges/corners at ground         2.  Repeat process with cobwebs
                                                                         in lower corners.
3.  Clean vents & change filters            3.  Peer in vents.  Cobwebs too
                                                                         many for even the broom.  Debate
                                                                         and decide against rescuing
                                                                         multiple trapped Nerf darts.
                                                                         Go with God, Nerf darts.
4.  Vacuum edges-baseboards               4.  Run broom along baseboards.
                                                                         Heavy coating of cobwebs is
                                                                         effective in picking up dust.
5.  Wash baseboards                               5.  Whaa?  That's not even a thing.
6.  Clean front & back door                   6.  Look at front & back doors.  They
                                                                         look pretty good.
7.  Wipe door knobs & doors                 7.  Wipe knobs with antibacterial wipe.
8.  Wipe switch plates                            8.  Wipe exactly 6 switch plates.
                                                                           Calculate number of switch plates
                                                                           left, including how many must be
                                                                           reached by climbing stairs.  6 is
                                                                           good percentage.
9.  Dust light fixtures                              9.  Dust single lamp that is within
                                                                           reach. Light fixtures are high.
10.  Freshen disposal & drains             10.  Dig slimy cereal from this morning
                                                                           out of drain; hack hardened bits
                                                                           off surface of sink.
11.  Dust ceiling fans                             11.  Get stepladder and dust ceiling fans.
12.  Clean refrigerator & freezer          12.  Look in refrigerator.  Throw away
                                                                           petrified fruit. Pour half-full jar of
                                                                           spaghetti sauce topped with blue
                                                                           fuzz down cereal-free drain.  Open
                                                                           freezer and look around.  Take out
                                                                           nearly-empty carton of ice cream
                                                                           and eat the rest to celebrate
                                                                           successfully dusting ceiling fans.
13.  Clean oven & microwave             13.  Start oven self-cleaning cycle.
                                                                          Scrape, scrub, and smear a layer of
                                                                          unidentifiable goop off all four
                                                                          sides of microwave using
                                                                           "microwave cleaning wipe".
                                                                          Repeat until fingertips begin
                                                                          pruning.
14.  Clear & clean kitchen counters   14.  Clear counter of most of the heaps
                                                                          of toast crumbs and the largest
                                                                          smears of Nutella
15.  Couches/chairs/slipcovers           15.  Move stacks of papers, dirty
                                                                          dishes, unopened mail, socks,
                                                                          Nerf, devices & accessories, to
                                                                          create empty space on the couch.
                                                                          Sit. Think about what to do next.
16.  Kitchen cupboards & drawers    16.  Visualize rearranging kitchen
                                                                          cabinets.  Realize you have
                                                                          accidentally dozed off when you
                                                                          begin assigning organizing jobs
                                                                          to the woodland creatures who
                                                                          are assisting you.  Wake up.
                                                                          Reluctantly.
17.  Clean washer & dryer                     17.  It's the washer.  It washes things.
18.  Wash windows and mirrors           18.  Windows?  What windows?
                                                                          Clean mirrors with Windex
                                                                          wipes.  Virtually no cleaning
                                                                          job they do not now make a
                                                                          "wipe" for.
19.  Wash window sills                           19.   Hilarious.      
20.  Vacuum mattresses & rotate         20.  Sit down again briefly to
                                                                           recover from incapacitating
                                                                           hysterical laughter episode.
21.  Clean bathtubs & showers             21.  Decide to regain strength
                                                                           from Dr. Phil while making
                                                                           kids clean bathtub/shower.
22.  Bathroom counters, sinks,             22.  Yell at kids from couch to
        and toilets                                                   do the sinks and toilets too.
23.  Bath mats & shower curtains        23.  Throw bath mat in trash.
                                                                           New one at Walmart is $5.
                                                                           What are you supposed to
                                                                           do with shower curtain??
24.  Dust all hard surfaces                   24.  Dust the surfaces.  They
                                                                           make a wipe for this.
25.  Wash bedding                                 25.  Look at kids' beds.
                                                                           Bedding completely
                                                                           inaccessible, since they
                                                                           sleep, as your mother says,
                                                                           "like a homeless person".
                                                                           Put your own bedding in
                                                                           washer.
26.  Wash curtains and drapes           26.  This is why we don't
                                                                           have curtains or drapes.
27.  Clean window blinds                     27.  Nope.
28.  Vacuum all floors and stairs       28.  Vacuum floors.  Would
                                                                            not vacuum stairs for all
                                                                            the tea in China.
29.  Wash all floors                            29.  PEOPLE.  SWIFFER
                                                                            MAKES A WIPE
                                                                           FOR THIS.
30.  Deep clean vacuum cleaner      30.  THIS. IS. NOT. A. THING.

Things My Parents Didn't Teach Me

Once, on my birthday, plans were in the works to commemorate the occasion by going out to dinner.  My sons, who were around ages 3 and 6 at the time, were instructed to "get dressed up" for this event, and the youngest ran off with surprising enthusiasm to comply.  In a few minutes, it became apparent why he was so excited, when he returned costumed as a ghost, ready to celebrate.

As a parent, many things we say to our children will be like this.  Even though they seem to be clearly stated and clearly heard, somewhere between instruction and application, something will go awry.  Things that seem obvious to us will make our own words seem unmistakable; we will give directions and advice, impart words of wisdom we think cannot be misinterpreted; they will hear only what they understand, through the lens of what seems obvious to them.

All of us have "heard" these messages from parents and other influential voices in our lives.  Many have carried them for years, sometimes for life, unthinkingly, without examination.  It can take a lifetime (or maybe the events of a lifetime) to realize that, in our immaturity and the incompleteness of our understanding, we have failed to cultivate the seeds of wisdom that were given to us in a way that has yielded fruit in our lives.  Sometimes we have even used them in ways that have caused harm to us, rather than good.

I've written before, more than once, about things my family and my parents have taught me.  But there are also things they didn't teach me, things I "learned" anyway.  None of them are anything my parents would have intended.  All of them have the potential for harm.  I'm certain there are more, lurking somewhere below the surface; but these are the ones that have loomed large enough, with the accumulation of age, experience, and (hopefully) wisdom, to be found out.

1.  Everything is your responsibility.  All of us would love to have children who are more responsible.  We try to teach them to take responsibility for themselves, and to fulfill their responsibilities to others, just as my parents did for me.  In fact, this is one of the most valuable skills they equipped me with for life.  But it is possible to take this message a little too much to heart, and develop what a colleague of mine and I have (not so) jokingly titled ORD--Over-Responsibility Disorder.  The constant message of my household was, "Look around and see what needs to be done.  If you see something, do it."  My parents' intent was that my brother and I would take initiative as contributing members of our household.  That was a very good thing.  I don't know how well we did it in childhood--maybe not so well, and that's why we heard it so often.  :)  The problem with over-internalizing this is that there is always something that needs to be done, and you have just mentally assigned yourself responsibility for all of it.  This mentality easily generalizes to much more than just household tasks, and when it does, it can create a very unhealthy situation, at work, at home, in relationships, and in every aspect of life.  All the work is yours to do--and the outcome is directly up to you, also, by the way, since you are the one doing all the work--and this sounds reasonable to you.

2.  You are the only one who doesn't matter.  Unselfishness is unquestionably a virtue, and one that most parents spend a great deal of time trying to instill in their children.  Especially in households where the doctrines of Christianity are taught, putting others before yourself is the most basic of principles.  Not only that, but several companion virtues are usually also present, such as obedience, and undertaking a difficult or unpleasant task without complaining.  There are Scriptures, in fact, to reinforce the importance of all of these.  There's no question that often, decisions have to be made and tasks have to be undertaken in which the feelings of children are not the primary factor to be considered--in which their role, by necessity, is to obey, or to go forward without complaint.  I have told my own children, many times, in either a repetition or an interpretation of what my own parents said to me, "Nobody's asking how you feel about it," or even, "Right now, how you feel about it doesn't matter."  And of course, it is true that we should all act unselfishly, considering others as at least as important as ourselves.  But a correct understanding of this will allow us to know that others should be doing the same--that our thoughts, feelings, and needs do matter, and that they are also to be acknowledged and cared for.  When I misunderstand this, I believe that everyone matters but me; even if someone offers acknowledgment and caring, I have no basis for accepting it.  Now, not only must I take on responsibility for everyone else's well-being, but I can accept no care for my own. 

3.  If someone treats you badly, it's your fault.  When I was 19 years old, my father told me what was possibly the wisest and most important thing anyone has said to me from that day to this.  He said, "You deserve to be treated well.  And it is your responsibility to put yourself in a situation where that is going to happen."  I heard this and understood it--I accepted this responsibility.  As life went along, though, I found that situations in which I was not treated well seemed somehow harder to avoid than I had expected.  And when I found myself in them, and I was treated badly, I knew just whose fault it was.  Mine.  After all, it had been my responsibility, and this is how I had discharged it.  If the outcome was unsatisfactory, I had no one to blame but myself.  My mistake was this--many things, including the first two in this list, blinded me to the reality that the responsibility of finding a situation in which I was treated well was not a one-time, irreversible choice.  It was a responsibility that is ongoing.  Believing that I was the one ultimately to blame for being in a place that was toxic, hostile to me and dangerous to my well-being, only allowed me to stay in it indefinitely; the choice was made, and the task now was living with it.

With my little one in his ghost costume, I went proudly out to dinner, his childish misunderstanding a source of nothing but delight.  However, in the real territory of our hearts and minds, the distorted messages are far more sinister--they are deceptive, dysfunctional, dangerous.  They have crept in so early, sidled alongside us so quietly, that their presence can be nearly undetectable.  Seeing them, rooting them out, can be daily work.  What lessons are you living by that no one taught you? The freedom gained is worth the effort of asking.

Things My Mother Taught Me

There's a quote I've seen circulating on Facebook for a while that says something like, "The voice you use to talk to your children will be the voice they use to talk to themselves."  As a parent, that thought is both inspiring and terrifying, with enough emphasis on the terrifying that sometimes we might hope it isn't true.  But as someone's child, all of us know that the truth in it is enough--we all recognize that voice inside our head.

For some of us, that parental voice is loud and overpowering; for some, it is quiet, hidden, and we must strain to hear.  Every parent, bound by imperfection as are all of us, speaks a mix of truth and falsehood in our memories, and the messages are altered also by the way we remember them, interpret them, understand them.  Most of us, however, are fortunate enough to have parental voices that speak more good than bad--that encourage us, instruct us, remind us, and empower us--and I am one of those.

I believe the first time I realized just how often I thought of or spoke aloud some advice, saying, or thought of my mother's, I was already a young adult and college student living away from home.  In a group of friends, I had made some reference to a saying of hers--which one exactly is now long forgotten--and someone replied with joking exasperation, "Can't that woman ever leave us alone?!?"  That was the beginning of my coming to understand the way that, even as adults, whether they are physically present or not, our mothers come with us wherever we go; and that this seems true for my mother, in particular.

I have long been in the habit, when I receive any particularly profound compliment, of deferring any credit to my parents.  There is so much truth in this that it would be impossible to give anything like a comprehensive account of what my mother taught me, or how she shaped me, or influenced me, since the implications of the person I became, simply by being born into my family, are so far-reaching they cannot be articulated.  However, on Mother's Day, here are just a handful of Mom-isms that have served me well, and that I hope I've managed to pass on to my own boys also.

1.  "Don't act lousy, and don't throw your trash around."  Actually, the credit for the wording on this one goes to my brother, who, on a long car trip, was anxious to get out at the rest stop, and didn't feel like waiting on Mom's version of the speech to be delivered before we were allowed to exit the vehicle.  So he pre-empted it with this shorter version, his best summary of all Mom's many admonishments about decent public behavior.  If I had to give a one-sentence version that actually came from Mom, I guess it would be, "Try to act like you've been out in public before."  But the sentiment is the same, and it is this.  Your behavior matters.  Everyone else might throw their wrappers on the ground, but you don't have to.  Everyone else might be an inconsiderate jerk, but you don't have to.  You can make a difference.  You can set the example.  People are watching you, and it will make more impact than you think.  One person doing right, behaving appropriately, acting with grace, is valuable and important, even if you are the only one. Especially if you are the only one.  Be that one person.

2.  "There won't always be someone around to help you fold a sheet."  This means you might as well learn how to do it yourself.  You can be just as strong, capable, and independent as you set your mind to be.  If there's someone there to help you, great.  Teamwork is awesome.  It can be easier and more fun when you can share every task with a partner.  But life isn't always like that.  Many everyday things, and yes, even many hard things, you will have to do alone.  You can do it.  Figure out how.

3.  "Never just wait."  Don't get me wrong.  There are times in life when waiting is appropriate.  Sometimes you just don't know what to do, and waiting is the only thing.  Sometimes it just isn't time yet.  Waiting with patience was something taught, practiced, and prized in my household.  But this advice was given in the kitchen, with cookies in the oven.  When something's in the oven, you don't just stand and wait for it to come out.  There are dirty dishes everywhere, baking supplies that need to be put away, and probably laundry lurking somewhere that needs attention.  Look around, see what needs to be done, and do it.  Take the initiative.  Be a contributing member of the team.  Don't wait around for someone else to have to tell you what to do.  When you know the task, when you have the time, don't waste it.

4.  "You shouldn't just be ignorant."  I've written about this one before, in a previous post that described my parents' attitude to learning.  This statement is the perfectly logical reason my mom gave me for her need to learn something "about Normandy".  As I said in that earlier post, I learned from my earliest days that learning itself is fun, exciting, and important, that ideas and information of all kinds are valuable and relevant, and that this continues in all areas of life, indefinitely.

5.  "You meet the need of the moment."  In relationships, there is no keeping score.  Marriage, or any other relationship, contrary to popular belief, is not a 50-50 deal.  No two people can ever move forward together successfully in life, bound by the idea that you meet the other person's needs as they meet yours.  Life is hard.  Things change fast.  Bad stuff happens.  We are in it together.  We don't earn our place, not in marriage, not in friendship, not in family.  We don't merit love by doing.  We don't say to each other, "Well, I feel so bad about everything you've done for me when I've done nothing for you."  (Or even the other way around--"Here's a list of everything I've done for you, but what have you done for me lately?")  That isn't how it works.  Love, by its existence, out of its abundance, meets the need that is now.

6.  "When you love someone, that doesn't mean you think they're perfect; it means you see their faults and flaws, and you love them anyway."  First hearing this statement, riding somewhere that I don't remember with Mom in the car, the initial shock was finding out that she did not think my dad was perfect.  Here's why that is significant--it means that even though she didn't think him perfect, as far as anyone could see, she loved as though he was.  Now, as an adult, I've come to understand this as the bedrock of every successful relationship, whether parent and child, husband and wife, or loving friend.  I've written often about being the Beloved, and how that is, according to Henri Nouwen, "the core truth of our existence"; it's a difficult truth for many people to grasp, and I've often been asked why it seems to come so easily to me.  This is why.  From the first moment of my existence, this is the way love was understood, practiced, and taught for me.  My worth and value as a person, my worthiness of being loved, was not based on my performance, or on my perfection.  Love was given by grace; I, by existing, was enough.

The older I get, the more I see what it looks like to try to go through life without this last understanding, the more I realize how everything, everything, depends on it.  All the previous items on this list can only be accomplished with this belief underlying them all.  Knowing this, constantly, unshakably, every day, is a gift I was given that I have continually grown to appreciate and that will never leave me.  I hope it's a gift I manage to give my children in the same way it was given to me, and that someday, someone somewhere has to ask them if I will ever leave them alone; and I hope that the answer for them is the same as it was for me--nope.  Not ever.  Thanks, Mom.

An Open Letter To My Kids, On This, The Most Ridiculously Overscheduled Week Ever

Boys, 
                                                                                   

This week will be a rough one.  I know we are all busier than we want to be, you are both balancing more than you are used to, and there won’t be much time for many of the things you usually enjoy.  And worst of all, at least for me, I will not be able to give each of you nearly as much of my own time or attention as I would like.

No one will be nagging you to take out the trash or clean up your mess—you will have to notice the things that need to be done and make the effort to do them yourselves.

No one will be chasing around after you and obsessively looking out for you—you will have to look out for yourselves and for each other.

I have confidence in both of you to handle all this well.  Don’t gorge yourselves on soda and video games just because no one’s looking.  Get as much sleep as you can.  Eat a fruit or vegetable—I spent money on them specifically so you could stay nourished this week while no one is feeding you.  Pause a minute to take some deep, cleansing breaths if you need to.  Remember your priorities.

Please know that I am immensely proud of both of you—not just for your many talents which are keeping us running this week, although those are wonderful too, and it’s great to see you both finding the fit for your own unique strengths and gifts—but even more than that, for the ways I see you take responsibility, show initiative, and exemplify compassion, as you work together to keep this family running, make this house a home, and care for each other and me.  These things speak volumes about the young men of character you are becoming.  I’m grateful for the privilege of being your mom, and there’s nobody I’d rather be in it with when the chips are down.  We’ve got this.

Love,

Mom