Yesterday, when I was having lunch with a friend, he complimented me on my recent haircut. Well, actually, he said he knew there was something different about my hair, but he didn't know what it was. After we both jokingly agreed that he should at least get credit for noticing something, we talked for a little bit about that infamous stumbling block of communication between men and women, the subject of women's appearance.
Despite the ubiquitous nature of this relationship problem, I think the solution is actually quite simple, and it comes down to this. Men, in general, are wired to be problem-solvers. They search for problems, focus on problems, address problems, and then put the solved problems behind them. To women, this problem-focused approach can often seem very negative. We often wonder why it seems that our husbands, boyfriends, or significant others can find something that needs to be changed, fixed, or improved in everything we do. Yet the corresponding positives seem strangely absent--why doesn't he even seem to notice when something is done perfectly? The reason is that problems require attention. Lack of problems means he can turn his attention elsewhere. After all, if everything is great, why does he need to think about it? If something goes wrong, he'll let you know--otherwise, you can assume that all is well.
I suspect that all this means that when women ask, "How do I look?," here's the question that men are hearing: "Can you find any problems with the way I look?" He believes that he's being asked to perform a valuable service--identify problems that you want to know about and address. It's the response he expects from you too, when he asks you how he looks (if he ever does). He doesn't want to walk around with his fly unzipped or his hair looking funny, or maybe even in an outfit that's not appropriate to the occasion. He assumes you don't either. So he looks you over, scanning for problems. If he doesn't see any, he gives the answer expressing approval appropriate to the situation. You know what it is. He says, "You look fine." (This is actually the best-case scenario. Worst-case scenario is that he finds a problem. In which case, he won't say, "You look fine." He'll say, "I don't think those shoes go with that outfit.)
Man or woman, I don't need to tell you that women are rarely thrilled with the answer, "You look fine." And my observation is that this can be not only frustrating, but also confusing for a man. After all, "fine" is pretty high praise, actually, in his book, since it means he's actively searched for some needed improvement, and wasn't able to find anything. But he quickly sees that, for some reason, we're not happy with his response. If he concludes that we're frustrated because he is not being helpful enough in solving the problem, and he tries offering some suggestions for improvement, just to please us, he will find this strategy even less well-received.
The conclusion that men often come to, after ending up in this situation a few times, is that women don't want an honest answer when we ask how we look. Therefore, it's best not to put in any honest effort, since they can't please us anyway. Look her over if you must, but if you see any problems, lie and say she looks fine anyway. And really, if you can get away without even looking, that's fine too, since you're only going to give the same answer no matter what she looks like.
Let me clear this one up right here. Women DO NOT want men to give a dishonest or insincere answer to this question. So what do we want? We want an honest answer to something completely different. When women ask any variation of the question, "How do I look," here's what we're asking: "Do you like the way I look?" We're not asking for problem-solving, or analysis of our hair, clothes, makeup, accessories, body, or weight. (Really. Even if we specifically ask if we look fat, we're still not asking you to comment on our weight.) For that, we've got Cosmo, TV, low-fat ice cream, Carmen Electra, and virtually every commercial product and form of media in existence. From you, we're asking, "Do I still do it for you? Do you think I'm pretty? Am I still the one?" And we're hoping that you can honestly say "You rock my world." "Fine" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
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