Amy Cooper and the Gaslighting of Racism in America

Comedian Ray Romano highlighted many of the events and relationship foibles of marriage and family life in his sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. In one episode that I always found particularly thought-provoking, Ray and his father try to teach his newly-engaged brother how to pretend incompetence at a task, so that he won't have to complete a job his fiance has asked him to do. In predictable sitcom fashion, everything goes wrong, the men get exposed for their pretend incompetence, and a battle between men and wives breaks out. In the end, though, the women lose their upper hand when the men figure out that perhaps their wives have been pretending incompetence at tasks they don't want to do as well. The thing that sticks most in my memory about this entire episode is the dawning look of outrage and vindication on Ray's face when he experiences the sudden realization that Debra actually could learn how to set the VCR.

Everyone's reason for pretending in this episode, of course, is to avoid taking responsibility. If you can't understand what needs to be done, you obviously can't be expected to do anything about it. Both sides in this story rationalize their behavior differently--the men claim that the women "really want to do everything themselves anyway", and the women say they "already do everything else", so both feel justified in their pretense. But then why pretend? Well, that's simple. If everyone admitted that they could understand the needs and were capable of meeting them, they would also have had to admit that they just didn't want to do what was needed.

Racism in America is a longstanding, complex problem that is deeply rooted in our emotions, our identities, our beliefs about and experiences of ourselves and others. Facing it and making attempts to address it can seem overwhelming, especially for white Americans on whom the bulk of this burden must rest. It can require us to see things that are very hurtful and upsetting, about our world, others who we care about, and ourselves. It can cause us to make some painful recalculations about the way we have understood people, events, and stories in the past. It can necessitate that we change our thoughts, ideas, language, and many aspects of our behavior. It is our job, but there is no question--it will make us uncomfortable, and it will give us difficult work to do. It has been far easier, I am afraid, to simply say, "Oh, you know I can never figure out that VCR."

Our black friends, co-workers, and community members have been trying for time long remembered to make us see the need, but as white people, we have been very convincing in our inability to see or understand. We have been so convincing that I believe at times we have convinced ourselves; some of us really do believe that we think the issue is about respect for the flag, or that we are hurt on behalf of other lives that should also matter. No matter how many statistic are cited, no matter how many stories are told, no matter how many videos surface, we have still responded in numbers too large by saying that we just don't see the problem that black people are talking about, or that we can't understand the issues being raised as ones of racism. In a recent survey on race issues, 77% of Republican participants said that this country's biggest racial problem was "seeing discrimination where it does not exist." (I'm not picking on Republicans at all; the survey data is reported this way for several reasons, one of which is to account for the factor of race.)

It has been easier, white friends, to not see the problem. By which I mean it has been easier for us. Our insisted-upon lack of understanding and racial incompetence has allowed us to excuse ourselves from responsibility; it has left our friends of color to bear the consequences and do the work;  it has created the illusion that they are the ones "being crazy", being unreasonable, creating problems.  This is gaslighting at its finest. After all, if we acknowledged to our black brothers and sisters that we could see and understand the problem--if we acknowledged this even to ourselves--we would have to admit that we have simply chosen to do nothing, that we do not want to do what is needed. But Amy Cooper has changed all that.

When Amy Cooper encountered Christian Cooper in Central Park's Ramble this Memorial Day, as the confrontation escalated, most of us have seen that moment on video when she pointed her finger at him and announced she intended to call the police and tell them that "an African-American man is threatening my life." I cannot know what that moment was like for people of color. But I know what I imagined it might be like. I imagined Ray Romano's face, learning that Debra knew how to set the VCR. Amy Cooper's mask came off, both literally and figuratively as that threat was made, and with it, the mask of all white America. It is impossible not to see that she knew her threat was meaningful precisely because of racism. Without meaning to, she stripped the facade from our pretense of incompetence and incomprehension. Amy Cooper pulls back the curtain, and we can no longer escape the discomfort, the work, or the pain by pretending not to see. Amy Cooper proves we have had the ability to see all along.