Like me, you may at this point be asking yourself the obvious question--what is wrong with these people? At any rate, I hope that is at least among your first reactions. If not, and you are instead wondering what's wrong with the rest of those suckers who left their kids standing out there with no eggs, I strongly recommend that you not read the rest of this blog post. Or no, actually, maybe read it, and I hope you find something in it that's food for thought, but I also hope you don't know where I live, or have my email address.
The point at issue here is fairly simple. All these parents want is to shield their children from the experience of failure. That's easy to understand, because, as we all know, failure can feel pretty bad. It can be sad, disappointing, painful, and frustrating. And none of us, not one, enjoys it when our kids feel bad. So it actually isn't that difficult to identify with those folks who took their kids to an Easter egg hunt, and didn't want to see them come home with no eggs, no candy, no prizes, and probably crying. Maybe when they leaped over the rope and left other small children weeping on the ground, it became a bit harder. But still, I think we all get the basic impulse behind the behavior. The problem is, though, that failure actually matters. Failure, with all its accompanying trauma and drama, is a vital part of making our children happy, healthy, successful adults.
You see, every person, of every age, must go through the same four stages in order to learn anything. I'm not just talking about learning facts and information, like the dates of the American Revolution, or pre-algebra. I'm talking about learning, or learning how to do, anything at all in life. Want to learn to build an airplane? Work in a group? Be a great boyfriend? A responsible employee? You'll have to do it in these four stages. Stage 1 is called "unconscious incompetence." This simply means that you can't do whatever it is (or don't know whatever it is), and you don't know that you can't do it or don't know it. You may not even be aware that such a thing exists. So obviously, in this stage, you are quite bad at it. Stage 2 is "conscious incompetence." This means, you still can't do whatever it is, but you have now realized it. This is my least favorite stage, the stage where you become aware of just how bad at this you really are. But don't worry--with instruction and effort, you'll soon be in Stage 3, "conscious competence." Here, you can do the thing right, but you really have to think about it. You're making a conscious effort to do it correctly all the time. It's hard, but if you keep it up, eventually you will move to Stage 4, "unconscious competence." This is what we're hoping for. In this stage, you know (or know how to do) whatever it is, without even having to stop and think about it. It's second nature to you, it just comes naturally. You can do it without even being aware of it.
You may already have pinpointed the part of this process where failure comes in. That least favorite part of mine, "conscious incompetence," depends completely on failure. In order to move successfully through Stage 2 and get on to "conscious competence," you first have to know that you can't do it! Failure to allow failure is failure to develop competence. That was really important. In fact, I think I'll say it again. Failure to allow failure is failure to develop competence. I won't say it a third time, but read it again if you think you need to. And if you only take one thing away from this post, make that the thing.
The problem is, when parents keep their children from experiencing failure, they are short-circuiting the learning process. The message that kids need to receive, when they are in this critical second stage of learning, is, "You can't do it...yet." Instead, when parents step in and prevent kids from trying, failing, and trying again until they succeed, the message that's being sent is simply, "You can't do it." After all, our kids conclude, if their success was possible, why would our intervention be necessary? And, most importantly--parents, PLEASE hear me here--both of these messages are self-fulfilling. If your child gets the message from you that failure is OK, that it just means he can't do it yet, that if he keeps trying he will master it on his own, then your child will weather failure, keep trying, and master it on his own. If your child gets the message from you that he cannot do this, and that failure is to be avoided at all costs, he will not risk it--he will not try--and he will not learn it.
There is plenty of research to support this assertion. You can find a lot of it in an excellent book by Po Bronson and Ashley Merriman called Nurture Shock. Many of the conclusions about praise, self-esteem, and the way we groom our children for the expectation of success and positive outcomes may surprise you. And more confirmation is forthcoming all the time. Another study just last year showed that a correct perspective on failure is an important component of school success. News articles reported that "children who were told learning can be difficult, and that failing is a natural part of the learning process, actually performed better on tests than kids not given such reassurances." One of the French researchers summed it up simply--when kids get the message that failing means you are a failure, it "creates feelings of incompetence that in turn disrupt learning."
So then what are we parents to do? How can we use failure to help our kids succeed? I would never claim to have all the answers to those questions, but I do think I have a couple, so you are free to take them for what they're worth.
First, I think it's terribly important that we let our children experience failure while they are small. Don't wait until they are almost grown, and instead of having no Easter candy, the stakes are a night in jail, or the loss of a diploma, or something worse. Don't be one of the parents who have caused some New York companies to institute "Take Your Parents to Work Day," for new hires whose lives require so much parental involvement that even as young adults they must take Mom to the new job to straighten everything out for them there. When they are little, the stakes are so low, and the window for learning is so wide. These are the days when they are saying to themselves, "So this is what life is about." Those are the times we want to help them understand it, from the very beginning, to lay the foundation with the most important truths about their own identity, their own fallibility and power and competence. And if your kids are not really that little any more, that's OK--it's not too late. Start today.
Second, we need to focus more on the process and think less about the end result. Our children need to hear our praise, our admiration, our respect, for their efforts, not just their successful outcomes. The same French researcher in the study above, when asked how he would apply the results to children's education, said, "Learning takes time and each step in the process should be rewarded, especially at early stages when students most likely will experience failure." Everyone begins from where they are, and we all make progress from there. The progress is what matters. So if they don't manage to find an Easter egg, compliment their perseverance, their hard work, their creative thinking, their innovative technique--ANYTHING. Just don't jump over the rope and get it for them. And maybe next year, they'll get it for themselves.
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