This Is A Really Squatchy Area

In honor of a friend, I decided to compile and share a short list of facts I've learned about sasquatches.  In case you are preparing to question the veracity of these facts, don't bother--they have been gleaned from hours spent viewing Finding Bigfoot, and those guys are nationally recognized leading experts in the field of true bigfoot facts.  Here they are:

1.  Sasquatches love bacon.
 2.  If you're planning to lure a sasquatch with bacon, you must eat some yourself first so he can see that you are not trying to poison him.
3.  Facts 1 and 2 above also apply to doughnuts.
4.  A sasquatch and a bigfoot are just different names for the same thing.  You could also accurately call one a "squatch," a "skunk ape," or a "Kentucky wood-booger."
5.  Sasquatches will not eat cattle.  This is because they know that cows are human food.  Since we humans do not eat their deer, they try to return the favor by not eating our cows.  (I'm not sure why this fact does not apply to doughnuts or bacon.  Maybe they really would eat cows, but because they have never seen a human actually eating one, they suspect the cows might be poisonous.)
6.  Sasquatches are extremely intelligent.  This explains the shortage of indisputable physical evidence for their existence--they're so smart that they are very successful in eluding detection by humans.  (This fact really reminds me of a joke my 8-year-old loves to tell, which goes as follows:  "Have you ever seen a giraffe hiding under your table?" "No."  "Pretty good hiders, aren't they?")
7.  Squatches love a rockin' party.  They get bored in their environment.  A party in the woods is irresistible to them.
8.  If you're out in the woods listening for a sasquatch, and you hear something, but it turns out to be a coyote instead, that probably means there is a sasquatch.  Because coyotes and sasquatches often team up and work together to hunt for food.
9.  There's not just one sasquatch, or even just a few.  In fact, there could be as many as 6,000 sasquatches living in North America at this very moment.  (Skeptical?  See fact #6 above.)
10.  Trying to find a sasquatch requires a lot of walking around in the woods at night, using video equipment, flashlights, infrared cameras, and other assorted props.  A squatch will be much easier to find if you are not actually trying to find one.
11.  The state of Ohio has a disproportionately large number of sasquatch sightings and encounters.  (I don't know what this fact means for the state of Ohio, I'm just putting it out there.)
12.  Those "Messin' With Sasquatch" commercials are woefully inaccurate with regard to true squatch behavior.  So don't believe everything you see on TV.