5 Fairies That Should Exist

1.  Closet-Changing Fairy
Twice a year, this excruciating task does not get done by me until the kids are wearing long-sleeved shirts rolled up so high they are tighter than tourniquets, or last year's jeans that look like capris.  Sorting through everything, figuring out what really fits or doesn't, all the whining if anyone is asked to try on one. single. thing.  The drama rivaling that of being sent to a concentration camp when they are expected to relinquish favorite items that, I SWEAR TO YOU, ARE MUCH TOO SMALL.  It's exhausting just to think about it.  Forget the tooth fairy--at least they stop losing teeth.  They never stop growing, and the seasons never stop changing.  I'll trade the tooth fairy for this fairy in a heartbeat.

2.  Trash Fairy
I hate taking out the trash.  I don't know why.  I understand it's not that hard.  I just don't want to.  I don't like walking outside my house to do work.  I used to bribe the kids with gum to take it out to the trash bin.  (Oh, for the days when they would do anything for gum.)  Now I just bag it up and let it sit there by the door, in the vain hope that they will be abducted by aliens, and their robot replacements will unknowingly take it out in a misguided attempt to emulate the behavior of a normal human child.

3.  Lunch Fairy
"Lunch" is such a happy word.  It only seems fair that the daily experience should match the expectation it sets, but somehow it seldom does.  Packing lunch the night before is like mental torture; packing lunch the morning of is total chaos.  I can barely force myself to do either.  (I don't think I'm the only person with this problem, by the way.  A friend once said to me, "It's like it would kill me to make a sandwich.")  Even if I do, half the time, when it's time to eat the lunch, nothing about it sounds appealing.  You know why?  Because I packed it.  Unfortunately, in my experience, doing nothing and just waiting for delicious food to magically present itself at the appropriate time is rarely successful.  I vote for change.

4.  Yard Work Fairy
I either need this fairy, or I need to fill my entire yard with concrete.  I seriously can't even.  I already said I don't like walking outside my house to do work.  That goes double for yard work.  I know about nature and how it's good for you.  I know about microbes in dirt, and plants sustaining life.  But seriously.  It's hot out there.  It's hooooot.  Plus, also, bugs.

5.  Weekend Work Fairy
All the stuff I need to get done, I always think I will get done on the weekend, "when there's time".  Things need done around the house.  Chores have piled up, closets need cleaned out, there are projects too big for a weeknight and things that require help from both of the kids.  But guess what.  On the weekend, if I have time, I don't want to waste it doing any of that stuff.  I'm tired.  It's the weekend.  I don't care.  What I would like to do on the weekend is sleep in, lie around the house watching TV and eating Triscuits, and nap.  Nap nap nap nap, nap nap nap.  That is all.

Lisa's Spring Clean in 30

This household's version of Clean Mama's "Spring Clean in 30 Challenge".  (Clean Mama's originals are listed for purposes of comparison.)

Clean Mama                                                 This Mama
1.  Dust edges/corners at ceiling          1.  Use broom to swipe down
                                                                        huge cobwebs from corners
                                                                        at ceiling.
2.  Dust edges/corners at ground         2.  Repeat process with cobwebs
                                                                         in lower corners.
3.  Clean vents & change filters            3.  Peer in vents.  Cobwebs too
                                                                         many for even the broom.  Debate
                                                                         and decide against rescuing
                                                                         multiple trapped Nerf darts.
                                                                         Go with God, Nerf darts.
4.  Vacuum edges-baseboards               4.  Run broom along baseboards.
                                                                         Heavy coating of cobwebs is
                                                                         effective in picking up dust.
5.  Wash baseboards                               5.  Whaa?  That's not even a thing.
6.  Clean front & back door                   6.  Look at front & back doors.  They
                                                                         look pretty good.
7.  Wipe door knobs & doors                 7.  Wipe knobs with antibacterial wipe.
8.  Wipe switch plates                            8.  Wipe exactly 6 switch plates.
                                                                           Calculate number of switch plates
                                                                           left, including how many must be
                                                                           reached by climbing stairs.  6 is
                                                                           good percentage.
9.  Dust light fixtures                              9.  Dust single lamp that is within
                                                                           reach. Light fixtures are high.
10.  Freshen disposal & drains             10.  Dig slimy cereal from this morning
                                                                           out of drain; hack hardened bits
                                                                           off surface of sink.
11.  Dust ceiling fans                             11.  Get stepladder and dust ceiling fans.
12.  Clean refrigerator & freezer          12.  Look in refrigerator.  Throw away
                                                                           petrified fruit. Pour half-full jar of
                                                                           spaghetti sauce topped with blue
                                                                           fuzz down cereal-free drain.  Open
                                                                           freezer and look around.  Take out
                                                                           nearly-empty carton of ice cream
                                                                           and eat the rest to celebrate
                                                                           successfully dusting ceiling fans.
13.  Clean oven & microwave             13.  Start oven self-cleaning cycle.
                                                                          Scrape, scrub, and smear a layer of
                                                                          unidentifiable goop off all four
                                                                          sides of microwave using
                                                                           "microwave cleaning wipe".
                                                                          Repeat until fingertips begin
                                                                          pruning.
14.  Clear & clean kitchen counters   14.  Clear counter of most of the heaps
                                                                          of toast crumbs and the largest
                                                                          smears of Nutella
15.  Couches/chairs/slipcovers           15.  Move stacks of papers, dirty
                                                                          dishes, unopened mail, socks,
                                                                          Nerf, devices & accessories, to
                                                                          create empty space on the couch.
                                                                          Sit. Think about what to do next.
16.  Kitchen cupboards & drawers    16.  Visualize rearranging kitchen
                                                                          cabinets.  Realize you have
                                                                          accidentally dozed off when you
                                                                          begin assigning organizing jobs
                                                                          to the woodland creatures who
                                                                          are assisting you.  Wake up.
                                                                          Reluctantly.
17.  Clean washer & dryer                     17.  It's the washer.  It washes things.
18.  Wash windows and mirrors           18.  Windows?  What windows?
                                                                          Clean mirrors with Windex
                                                                          wipes.  Virtually no cleaning
                                                                          job they do not now make a
                                                                          "wipe" for.
19.  Wash window sills                           19.   Hilarious.      
20.  Vacuum mattresses & rotate         20.  Sit down again briefly to
                                                                           recover from incapacitating
                                                                           hysterical laughter episode.
21.  Clean bathtubs & showers             21.  Decide to regain strength
                                                                           from Dr. Phil while making
                                                                           kids clean bathtub/shower.
22.  Bathroom counters, sinks,             22.  Yell at kids from couch to
        and toilets                                                   do the sinks and toilets too.
23.  Bath mats & shower curtains        23.  Throw bath mat in trash.
                                                                           New one at Walmart is $5.
                                                                           What are you supposed to
                                                                           do with shower curtain??
24.  Dust all hard surfaces                   24.  Dust the surfaces.  They
                                                                           make a wipe for this.
25.  Wash bedding                                 25.  Look at kids' beds.
                                                                           Bedding completely
                                                                           inaccessible, since they
                                                                           sleep, as your mother says,
                                                                           "like a homeless person".
                                                                           Put your own bedding in
                                                                           washer.
26.  Wash curtains and drapes           26.  This is why we don't
                                                                           have curtains or drapes.
27.  Clean window blinds                     27.  Nope.
28.  Vacuum all floors and stairs       28.  Vacuum floors.  Would
                                                                            not vacuum stairs for all
                                                                            the tea in China.
29.  Wash all floors                            29.  PEOPLE.  SWIFFER
                                                                            MAKES A WIPE
                                                                           FOR THIS.
30.  Deep clean vacuum cleaner      30.  THIS. IS. NOT. A. THING.

W-O-M-A-N

Stagger out of bed when the alarm goes off and jump in the shower.  Grab comfortable clothes for a morning of teaching preschool (but not too comfortable, because you need to be professional at the office later), while listening to the kids getting ready for school.  They're already fighting, but at least they're old enough to get ready on their own now, which means you actually have time to blow-dry your hair.  Or at least you thought you did.  Finish with the dryer, look at the clock and think, "Holy crap, is that the time?"  Run downstairs and holler that it's time to go to the bus.  Pick up everything Child #1 left behind on his way to the van, promising to come back and make a second trip for Child #2 who is protesting that he can't leave because he hasn't fed the cats.  Drop off Child #1 at bus, go back home.  Pack up all your own stuff, back to the van, drop off Child #2 at school.  Stop at gas station, since fuel light has been on since you started the van the first time.  Drive to work.

Arrive at work 10 minutes late.  Attempt to do an hour's worth of room set-up and materials prep in 30 minutes.  Spend the next three hours helping with potty accidents, setting out and cleaning up art supplies, and dodging plastic fruit projectiles from boys "playing golf" with the wooden spoons from the play kitchen.  Do an insane amount of ballet dancing, using homemade streamers, which fortunately 4-year-olds aren't tall enough to smack you  in the face with more than a few times.  A little Schubert takes the edge off.

See everyone off with moms and dads, wash the snack dishes.  (Yes, the teachers have to wash the dishes.  Teachers have to do everything.)  Leave the rest of the cleanup undone so you can get away a little early, as you are scheduled to lead a meeting and are supposed to bring lunch for everyone.  Precariously balance to-go orders for four people out to the van, put key in ignition, look at dashboard clock and think, "Holy crap, is that the time?"

Arrive at your meeting 10 minutes late.  Get through all the housekeeping items, then discover logistical problem with facilities plan for upcoming event.  Spend 30 minutes longer than planned on ironing it out.  Go back to office and open up laptop for the first time today.  Attempt to reply to an hour's worth of email in 30 minutes.  Leave the rest unread so you can pick up Child #1 at the bus stop.  Drive home.  A little Metallica takes the edge off.

Arrive at school bus stop 10 minutes late.  Pick up Child #1 and go home.  Give food, water, and lavish praise to cats, who have charmingly left a dead vole on the front porch to show you how much they love you.  Empty dishwasher, load dishwasher, wash dishes.  Check homework.  Renew library books you forgot to stop and return.  (When would you have done that?)  Pay bills.  Engage in prolonged negotiation with Child #1 over what he and his imaginary friend Larry can have for snack.  Drink some more of the Dr. Pepper you got yourself at lunch, even though you shouldn't have drunk any of it in the first place.  Wonder how much water you've consumed today (not enough).  Pause for a moment of regret that you didn't tell them to leave the mayo off your sandwich.  Drink more Dr. Pepper anyway.  Drive to Post Office and pick up mail; drive to school to pick up Child #2 from track practice; try unsuccessfully to read most of the mail while you wait for him to come out.  Return home to discover bills you forgot to take to the Post Office and mail.  Decide against making anything for dinner, and in favor of eating whatever leftovers can be found in the refrigerator.  Unwisely check work email again and answer a couple.  Leave the rest of the housework undone so you can get ready for the event you're attending with your husband tonight.

Make heroic effort to don "shapewear" necessary with dress your husband helped you pick out.  Pray to God that if you succeed in getting it on, you don't immediately pass out from lack of oxygen.  Cross over from mild regret to cursing yourself for the earlier Dr. Pepper/mayo incident.  Finally manage to get dressed and meet your nephew--tonight's babysitter--at the door, only slightly out of breath from the effort.  Excuse yourself and return to the bathroom to do your hair.  Speculate whether makeup will cover chigger bites on your knee incurred at last week's track meet, and decide to try it.  (It won't.)

Leave for the event 10 minutes late, admonishing Child #2 to do his homework as you walk out the door.  Drive to meet your husband, and realize about halfway there that you forgot to get yourself any dinner out of the refrigerator.  Spend the next couple of hours looking at artwork, listening to music, and bumping elbows with eleventy gazillion people, approximately half of whom you are actually introduced to.  Clap enthusiastically when your husband receives an award.  While he gets his picture taken, enjoy 5 minutes alone at a table with a tiny, tiny plate of cheese, crackers, and fruit.  Afterward, walk out to the parking lot with friends and realize you can't remember where you parked.  Your friends help you by asking, "Does your van have a lot of bird poop on it?" and then directing you to the place they saw it when they drove in.

Leave the event 10 minutes after you already planned to be home.  Drive home in absolute, blissful silence.  Load up your nephew--along with your kids, since Hubby is still off at the thingy and there's no one else home--and drive him home, where your niece's enthusiastic greeting ("YOU got a HAIRCUT!  AND you have on a PRETTY DRESS!  And a pretty JACKET!  And pretty BOOTS!") almost makes you decide the shapewear was worth it.  Drive back home and send your kids to bed, over the angry protests of Child #2, who just now remembered that he forgot to do his homework.  Put a load of track clothes in the washer.  Put on pajamas, allowing your body to resume its real shape.  Fuzzy socks take the edge off.

Check personal email and decide there are too many to read or answer.  Make yourself a plate of leftovers and eat them in eight minutes while watching Phineas and Ferb.  Wish you had some more Dr. Pepper; drink some water instead.  Pack suitcase for work trip tomorrow.  Move clean laundry to dryer.  Create elaborate document to get husband through the 24 hours you'll be on work trip, containing instructions such as, "Friday, 3:30--Pick kids up from school."  Open work email and attempt to finish at least an hour's worth of work in 30 minutes.  Spend an hour on it instead.  Look up at the clock and think, "Holy crap, is that the time?"  Go take track clothes out of dryer and get yourself a piece of cheesecake out of the fridge, even though it's 11:54 pm.  Eat it while watching 30 Rock.

Shut everything down and head upstairs.  Stop in each kid's room and sit on the side of the bed, looking at them sleeping.  Notice how big they are; think about how fast time flies by.  Breathe in a moment of overwhelming gratitude for the amazing blessing of these kids, this day, ballet dancing with preschoolers, Metallica, friends, Dr. Pepper.  Collapse into bed and remember again how much you love this bed.  Sleep. (Until it's time to wake up and repeat.)

Some Things I Would Do If I Wasn't So Tired

1.  Go upstairs and clean my bedroom.  And I mean actually clean it, not just hang up the articles of clothing that are randomly strewn around and then wash my hands of the rest of it and walk out.  Sort through the strange and unrelated collection of items that are on top of my dresser.  Go through the box of stuff that my mom brought me from my childhood bedroom closet and probably throw most of it out.  Vacuum that tiny strip of carpet behind the headboard of the bed.  Keep going until it's really finished.

2.  Read some of the non-fiction books that are in my stack.  The fiction ones always get pulled to the top of the pile, because, let's face it, they are an enjoyable escape from reality that doesn't require too much brainpower.  But there are currently three others, at least one of which is work-related, which have been languishing there for quite some time while I try to muster the concentration to tackle them.

3.  Pay bills.  This one I will eventually do, obviously, or I would be sitting in a darkened house with no internet connection right now, unable to type this blog post.  But I really should do it promptly and proactively, on payday, before it's a matter of absolute urgency.  Instead I will sit on my rear, staring vacantly at TV, until the impending threat of late fees and other penalties has me shelling out an extra $2.75 for the privilege of paying instantly over the phone at 11:42 pm on the due date.

4.  Pack a lunch to take to work.  Rather than routinely getting by on some combination of Cheez-Its, stale bagels, and Dove chocolates, because I'm not going to do it in the morning before work either.

5.  Deal with some of those annoying, minor administrative tasks from work.  I've got emails that need to be sorted and archived, papers that need to be filed, documentation of completed projects that should have been submitted a month ago.  I'd get paid for the time I spend tidying it all up.  But I just don't want to.

6.  There are probably more, but in order to list them I'd have to actually think hard enough to come up with them.  Anyway, tackling the first five is probably enough to keep me busy for a while.